Will It Hurt Less If I Can Control It

By Joann Paley Galst, Ph.D.

Feeling as though events are out of one's control is practically synonymous with the experience of infertility. Daily temperature charts, strategically planned sex and innumerable appointments with physicians can make you feel at the mercy of your hormones (or lack thereof), your doctor (scheduled appointment hours), and your spouse (appointments, trips, and utter exhaustion at just the "right" time).

Recent research has shown that if an individual knows or believes he or she has control over an aversive situation, the discomfort is less anxiety provoking, less painful, and generally easier to handle. Yet how does one gain a sense of control over the ability to conceive a child?

Most infertile individuals have come to assume that there is a positive correlation between working hard and accomplishing one's goals, and no one works harder to reach their goal than an infertile couple. Yet infertility shows just how little control we have in our lives. How can one become a master of this situation instead of its victim? I would like to propose several ideas that I have found helpful both for myself and for the many infertile individuals with whom I have worked.

First, find yourself a competent infertility specialist with whom you are comfortable. Ask yourself, "Is my doctor receptive to my questions and concerns? Does my doctor encourage my spouse and I to take an active role in decisions concerning our treatment and provide us with information necessary to make those decisions?"

Second, learn as much as you can about the causes and treatment of your infertility. Prepare questions to ask before walking into your doctor's office. An impaired sense of control over one's life is further exacerbated by the adoption of a passive patient role. The more you know about your problem, the more control you will feel and the less anxiety you will experience.

Third, try to stop punishing yourself for your infertility. Allow yourself to have fun again. As hard as it may be not to focus on your infertility, consider developing a new interest, especially one you can share with your spouse. Taking up golf with my husband helped me to realize that there would be enjoyable activities for the two of us to share as we grew older.

Fourth, learn an effective method for relaxing your body and your mind. While these techniques won't get you pregnant, having them available to you will make it a whole lot easier to cope with the next time you have to juggle an early morning insemination with your spouse leaving town on business at 9 AM, your doctor not being in the office until 11 and your most important client coming into the office for a breakfast meeting.

Fifth, if you are an individual who gets comfort from knowing you are not alone with your problems, seek out others with whom to talk. The American Infertility Association (AIA) is an excellent resource for this.

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